Just a little something from the heart: August 2008

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Slowly Fading

Slowly fading
right before your eyes
cant you even see
what you do to me
or do you already see it
and just not even care
locking me in this cage
slowly suffocating me
only allowing me to breathe
when its convenient for you
there's nothing i can do
to you I am powerless
I sit here in this cage
that you have made for me
to me it has become
the place i call home
i watch as life passes me by
slowly i feel the bitterness
raising up within
I don't want it to be this way
I don't want to feel this way
But at the same time
I need to breathe
I need to be me
I can not wait for the day
I pray for the day
night after night
when I can finally be free
when I can finally break away
from these chains that you so tight wrap around me
when you finally have no say
No more control over me
When I can finally be free
When I can finally be me
can't you see
what you do to me
how every time you do this
a part of me dies
little by little
how i am slowly fading
do you see it
and choice to ignore it
do you see it
and just not even care

The words you said
Forever in my mind
With your soft gentle tone
I still hear you say
It will all be alright
The promises you made
Never would you leave me
Forever my heart holds on to
The future is now the past
the pain I caused
the scars I left
Forever the guilt haunts my heart
The tears you shed
broke my heart
I can never do enough
say enough
show you enough
How sorry I really am

The things you said
pierced cut like swords
breaking and scarring my
already broken heart
your soft gentle tone
now filled with anger and hatred
nothing to hold on to
just pain and suffering
from the future and the past
the scars you wore
are now mine to bare
forever the guilt haunts my heart
the tears you cried
are now dry
nothing left to think about

my heart bleeds
as I stand there
And watch you walk away
with not even a single look back
Reminded daily by myself
That I screwed up

Harsh reality hits
I realize that I never meant anything to you
Dirt was worth more then me
You played me at my own game
Just laughing in my face
You were never in pain
The only person I really ever hurt
Was myself

Battle with yourself

Yet another sleepless night
thoughts flooding the mind
such a heavy heart
trying to stay strong
trying to stay brave
but wants so badly
just to fall apart
already in a million little pieces
struggling to find my way
back together again
so broken and bruise
time is my only healer
struggling to stay alive
so many things going wrong
so hurt that i can barely see
the few small things that are going right
watching the stars that surround me
wishing on yet another shooting star
making another silly little wish
praying that same old prayer
over and over again
wanting some relief
wanting to be saved
its time to stand up and fight
its time to let you know
that I am who I am
and I can not
Will not be shaken
this is the hardest battle
I will ever have to fight
when you fight the battle
with yourself

Wishing that you only knew

Night and Day
His heart is breaking
Wishing that you only knew

Everyday you cry
Because you think your all alone

Everyday is He is watching
And crying with you
Wishing that you only knew

Everyday you ask
Why me?
Why I am here?
What good is somebody like me?

Everyday He is softly whispering to you
Wishing that you only knew

Everynight you cry
yourself to sleep
Praying that tomorrow
It will be better

Everynight He is still crying with you
And softly whispering
Wishing that you only knew

Everyday & Everynight
You feel so broken and bruised
Like no one understands you
You feel so alone
And He is wishing that you only knew

Everyday He is wishing that you only knew
Wishing you only knew
That His hearting is breaking
Because the one He truly loves
Doesn't even know

That every time you shed a tear
He shed's ten more

When you ask questions
He is trying so hard
To just get you to listen

Why me? Why I am here? What good am I?
He had GREAT plans for YOU before you were even born
You are here to do GREAT things for Him
You are a treasure and a jewel in His eyes

Everynight He wants you to know
His mercies are new each day

Everyday & Everynight
He wants you to know
He sent His one and only Son
From Heaven to Earth
To be BROKEN & BRUISED
FOR YOU

Wonder Why

Time passing by oh so fast
mermories that were meant to last
are now becoming a thing of the past
Times have changed
Neither of us are who we used to be
You used to be the only one
Who could see the real me
you used to care and you used to try.
and now you dont even say hi when you pass by.
i wonder why
You used to let me in
You used to let me see the real you
Now you just push me away
like it was nothing
and i wonder why
time is escaping us
distance soon to pull us apart
you promised that you would remember me always
so many promises you made
i wonder if you will keep
time will tell
so many things in the air
we used to speak everyday
now you can't even say hi when you pass by
you used care you used to try
and i can't help but wonder why

Tears from the heart

The heaviness of my heart
So tempted to break
The heaviness of the tears
that fill the eyes
trying so hard not to fall
everything around crashing to the ground
so ready to fall down
to just give up
nothing left worth fighting for
thoughts of only sadness
the future so undecided
so many paths to take
but none worth taking
the battle is over
and yet another lose
others say keep trying
but theres nothing left to try for
the crack on the heart
growing bigger and bigger
its only a matter of time before it breaks
a tear falls for the eye
soon it will pour like a flood

Strength in Weakness

Everything around is beginning to change
Yet so much is staying the same
Just when you think
Its finally gonna be alright
Something all of a sudden
Goes missing
Shakes you from your comfort zone
But then
There are the things you pray will change
A ray of hope shines through
But quickly the clouds of gray
Fill the skies again
You want to cry
And laugh all at the same time
The memories are all you have
All you have left to hold on to
At the same time
They are the very thing
You need to let go of
To move on
To spread your wings and fly
My heart is heavy
You know what has to be done
You know it is time
Time to move on
To step out into the unknown
Its time to start
To start taking chances
To be who you are
To be who God created you to be
Time to follow His plan
Live your life for Him
Nothing has ever felt so right
And so scary at the same time
Living your life for everyone else
Is what you have always done
But its time
Time to stop
To once do whats right for you
Sure it wont be easy
But its time
Its time
To spread your wings and fly

Outside looking in

Evers since I was a kid
It's always been the same
She's always been the one on the outside looking in
No where to go
No one to talk to
Always stuck at the same old place
The place she's suppose to be able to call
"Home Sweet Home''
But not to her, its more like
She's a bird with wings who's not allowed to fly
Trapped in a cage
With no way out
No way to spread her wings and fly
She's always on the outside looking in
No knows how she feels
No one to lean on
Or wipe away the tears
When she goes to hang with her so called ''friends''
Its always the same
Their all laughing and talking
About something fun they did together
That she wasn't there for
Because she was at her so comed ''home''
So she sits there
Once again putting on a fake smile
And laughing an empty laugh
Pretending it doesn't matter
That it doesn't put another
Scar on her already broken heart
That she doesn't want to fly
But on day that will all change
One day this bird will fly
She will fly far, far away
And never look back again
She will never remember what she left but behind
Because it will have been nothing worth remembering
And NO ONE NO ONE
Will be able to stop her
Because she will be
Untouchable, Untame able
Wild and finally free
One day that wild and free bird
Will finally be
ME

I love you is when...

I love you is when...
you stay on the phone
for hours and hours
talking about anything everything
from totally random and pointless
to totally dead serious
But the topic nevers seems to matter
as long as you get to hear each others voice

I love you is when...
you laugh so hard at 1 am
that your covering your face with a pillow
because your parents don't know your on the phone

I love you is when...
you whole face lights up
when someone mentions their name
or your just thinking abou them
or a random moment you shared

I love you is when...
your day just doesn't feel right
or something feels totally out of place and missing
when you don't get to talk to them

I love you is when...
You can be your dorky, loud, crazy, weird, goofy self
around them and they just totally laugh at you
because they wouldn't change a thing

I love you is when..
everything you would hate about yourself
or find totally embarrassing
is something I find totally cute about you

I love you is when...
You suddenly love coats in the middle of summer
just so that you can be close to one another

I love you is when...
you feel my heart beating
so fast because i am so nervous
that you were my first kiss

I love you is when...
you still give me butterflies
just by touching me
or reaching for my hand
and you don't even know it

I love you is when...
I still stand on my tippy toes
just to kiss you

I love you is when...
you constantly say sorry
even when its not your fault
I can't help but smile and laugh
but I would never ask you to change a thing

I love you is when...
You can totally make me melt
just by looking at me
And you totally have me wrapped around your finger
yet you still don't even know it yet

I love you is when...
goodbyes just aren't enough anymore
because the night just didn't feel right
or complete without saying....

I love you

Only going forward

She runs to her room and shuts the door

Pacing back and forth

So lost and confused

Tears filling her eyes

She goes to her closet

She grabs the suitcase and throws it on the bed

So many emotions rolled into one

She begins to throw clothes in her suitcase

Barely even paying attention

At the bottom of her drawer

There its lies

Something she handle dear

To some people it was just a notebook

But to her, it was everything

Every feeling and memory that handle a place in her heart

Was in the notebook

She picked it up and held it close for a moment

Tears streaming down her faces

Her hands so shaken

She drops it

Pictures fall out

Her heart breaks as looks

The smile on her face in the pictures

Of the way it used to be

As much as she wanted to

She could never go back

The past was the past

She had no choice but to move forward

She picked on the pictures and placed them back in the notebook

Then she carefully set in her suitcase on top

Then she zipped it shut

Tears continuing to fill her eyes

She grabbed a piece of paper

And sat down on the bed

She wrote to her hearts content

Saying what she had never had the guts to say

Writing down every feeling that went unspoken

She folded the letters up

Put them in envolopes

And placed them neatly on her bed

She walked to her window

Opened it slowly trying not to make a sound

She sat there for a moment

Just looking at the stars

Listening to the sound the crickets and birds

She watched the fireflies dance so freely

Her heart was racing, hands still shaking

She took a deep breath and picked up her bag

And quietly climbed out the window

She had no clue where she was going

Or what she would do when she got there

She just knew she had to get away

Start over

A part of her wanted people to ask her to stay

But a part of her

A bigger part

Knew she could never stay

She needed to go somewhere new

Where no one even knew her name

The past was the past

And she was only going forward from here

My fault

Day after day
All we do is fight
About anything and everything
Hurting ourselves and mostly each other
But what really hurts the most
Is that you see right through
You never see the true me
If you saw the true me
You would know why I hurt so much
Day after day
All I want to do
All I try to do
Is please you
You and I have grown so far a part
That you can see my pain
All I want is to hear you say

"I am so proud of you"
Instead all I hear is
"You have disappoint me"

I long to hear you say
"I love you"
But all I ever hear is
"Its all your fault"

All I want to here you say
"I love you and I couldn't ask for a better daughter"
But all I hear is
"Why can't you be better"

All I want is to hear you say
"I love you, And I'm glad your my daughter"

Instead when I go to bed at night
Hoping to dream sweet dreams
All I can replay in my head is
"Its your fault, Its your fault"

So night after night
I cry myself to sleep because I know its my fault

Give up

I give up.
This is never going to change.
It will never be what it was again.
No there is no more denying it.
No more wasting my time trying to hide it.
It was it is.
Even if I hate it.
I have no choice in it anymore.
I thought I had so much to gain.
But I only seem to lose it.
This is not some small obstacle.
That I can over come in time.
It is a mountain I can never climb.
It is now my only way of life.
So it is what is it.
And I am who I am.
And I just give up.

From the heart

So much I wanted say.
So much I wanted do.
So many emotions I wanted share.
So much..
So much..
Yet it ended before it even began.
I didn't understand.
I still don't understand.
You.
This.
Any of it.
There was a reason.
There was a purpose.
But its gone.
Faded into the wind.
How?
How did we lose it?
How do we get it back?
Time, time is slipped away fast.
Before we knew it.
It was gone.
What do we do?
What do we do to get it back?
I want it back so bad.
I need it back more then anything.
My heart longs for it.
Please don't go away.
Please just come back.
Come back to stay.
Please don't leave me.
Please don't leave me this way.
What do I do?
What do I say?
Why?
Why can't it just be?

Fragile Broken Heart

The promises that you make
the promises that you say
that you tell me you will always keep
your every word
My heart tightly holds on to
every night before I sleep
my heart says that same old prayer
Making a wish on that tiny shooting star
Hoping for the day
when every thing you say
finally becomes my reality
So please be careful
in what you say and do
because in this I trust you
even though I promised myself I wouldn't
I have already given you my fragile broken heart
scars are my constant reminder never to do it again
band aids protect the old wounds
the memories we make
the words you say
they make me laugh
they make me smile
they are forever written on my heart
Please don't turn them into
More tears, sorrow and pain
because in this I trust you
in this I give you my fragile broken heart

Escape

The moon shining bright

The stars surrounding

The crickets and the birds

Play the soft music

The fireflies dance around

The trees slowly sway

Making the perfect breeze

Laying on the grass

She finally finds an escape

His chest is the place

She chooses to lay her head

His arms around her

She can't help but feel safe

She listens to his heart beat

She can't help but smile

In your eyes

One look it his eyes

and she could get lost

No words are needed

Between the two

The feeling so strong

It says it all

Everything so perfect

so calming

so peaceful

Its like for that one moment

The world has stopped

She can finally just breathe

For that moment

You were her escape

Is my love enough?

As she watchs at her mothers bedroom door
She tries so hard not to cry
But the tries just begin to stream down
Her rosy red cheeks
She begins to pray
''God, please let my mommy stay
I'm promised I'll be good
But please don't take me mommy away''
Her mom came out of the room
Carring a suitcase leaned and down
And hugged her daughter goodbye
Then walked out to door and left
Never once looking back
The little girl opened the door and ran after her mother
''Mommy, Please stay!''
''Theres nothing worth staying''
she said climbing in the car never once looking at her daughter
The thought as fast as she could
''I Love You!''
She said really fast
''Isn't my love enough to make you stay?''
The mother didn't reply she just got in the car
And began to pull out of the driveway
The little ran after the car
But it was to late the car and her mother were out of site
She just stood there and cried
''I love you mommy, Its that enough? I love you.''

Cooties...

the little girl runs up to mom. Screaming "Mommy, Mommy!" The mom picks her daughter up and asked her what was wrong. "That little boy touched me.'' She replied quickly calming down. "Did he hit you?" the little girl shook her head no. "Push you?" The little shook her head no again. "Then what did he do?" "I already told you, mommy.'' The little girl said beginning to get frustrated. "Honey all you said was he touched you.'' "thats just it! he touch me, mommy. Boys have cooties!!" She said mad at the little boy. The mom couldn't help but laugh....

Those were the good old days.
When girls thought boys had cooties.
And boys thought girls had cooties.
Life was easy then.

Then you get older....

They say that girls mature faster then boys.

If thats true...then why do we keep going back to boys?
(if you ask me. Not the best idea)

Butterflies

Butterflies in her stomach
Smiles and laughs
Never in her life
Has something felt so right
So innocent
So real
It feels like a dream
Like to good to be true
But it is real
Very real
Finally her dream
Is a reality
A bittersweet reality
But a reality
No the less
One she never wants to end
One she plans to enjoy
Every minute of
Until that day comes
You always make her smile
You always make her laugh
Even when you don't know it
Even when your not around
God put you here
In her life
She doesn't know why
But she knows he did
Its so amazing
She thanks him for it
With no complaints
Not a single one
She must admit
She is dreading this
That day
The saying goodbye
Her heart will break
and Rejoice all at the same time
Rejoice for everything you will be gaining
Yet break for what she is losing
Its times like this that she always wants to remember
Forever they are written on her heart

Bottling it up

i want so badly to say
whats truly on my heart
to just let it out
to stop pretending
pretending i don't care

the things i wanna say
but don't
the things i feel
but don't express

i want so badly to just be honest
to just let it out
but i can't
i just can't
so i bottle it up

laugh, smile and nod
then when no one is looking
just let the tears flow

why
why can't i just say it
why can't i just express it
why do i feel the need to hide

what i do
what do i say
what do i feel
how do i express
the things deeply written on my heart

i am so lost in all this
so alone
so guess i just bottle it up
and pretend i just don't care